Friday, February 21, 2014

general grumbling and wringing of hands

I'm frustrated with my life right now. 

I'm basically doing the same thing I've been doing for the past (almost) 11 years, but something has shifted and I'm left feeling like I should be doing more.  All this thinking about starting to work has made me really uneasy.  I feel like I should be doing it, but I'm not, because every day passes quickly and there are all the same demands on my time and I just barely keep up with it all.  Mentally and emotionally, I feel like I'm in a transitional phase, but I'm not actually doing any transitioning.  Which makes me feel like I'm stuck.

I'm struggling with a mindset of "not enough."  Not enough time in the day. Not enough patience, empathy, calm, or kindness.  Not enough family connectedness.  Not enough balance.  Not enough gratitude. Not enough mindfulness.  Not enough grace and acceptance for myself.

There are areas of my life where I expect certain things from my self, and I'm failing on almost all fronts.  As a Mother: I'm frazzled and impatient and at a loss for how to deal with these boys most days.  As a Wife: I'm not feeling like a good partner because I feel I should be doing more to contribute financially. As a Homemaker: My cooking skills are actually getting worse, somehow, and the apartment is a mess more often than not.

There is one area of my life I feel confident about, and that is my creative side.  I'm making quilts that I love.  I have about a billion ideas for other things to make.  I don't have time to tackle them right not, but just that fact that I have an endless stream of ideas makes me feel good.  Somehow I don't let myself get frustrated about not having enough time to make everything I want to.  I tell myself I'll get to it all some day.

And yet...  there is a swirl of guilt mixed in with all my sewing time.  Because even though I feel like it's the one thing I'm good at right now, it's purely selfish, it doesn't serve anyone else in my family, and I spend a lot of time doing it. 

I could give myself more permission to enjoy quilting if I was on the path to making it a career, I think.  (And, how, exactly, do you do that, again?)  Or even if I were doing a better job in one of the areas above.  As things currently stand, I feel lousy about how I'm handling myself, who I am being, in all the important aspects of my life.  Because of that, I can't fully enjoy the one area where I feel strong and capable and passionate.  It's an unpleasant place to be. 

I do have one little idea for a way to turn my quilting into something more...  it's in the very beginning stages so I don't want to talk about it yet.  That is giving me a bit of hope, and letting me feel a bit less guilty as I work on quilting-related projects during my free time.

As for all that other business, I guess I will just keep slogging through and trying to be better.  I will try to be a little easier on myself and on my kiddos.  It's all the trying that gives me trouble, though.  I'm trying so hard all the time that I forget to look up and be happy and thankful.  I guess if I am going to be trying for something, it should be that.

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