After my last post, you might have been left wondering what I decided to do. The answer is, I decided to do one thing, then decided to postpone that thing, and do another thing for the time being..... I got a lot of kind and thoughtful feedback on that post, here and on Facebook, where I posted a link. After reading the thoughts of many smart women, I decided I was ready, it was time to get some training and get a job. I was all revved up to find a physical therapy assistant program and enroll that night.
But as Nate and I began researching programs in our area, we realized it wouldn't be as simple as we first thought. There was nothing really close-by, and nothing with class hours that would have worked well for our schedules. Even though the kids are both in school all day now, there is still a big childcare component to my life.... I need to be here for the kids before and after school. In the evenings I could theoretically do school, but what if Nate was traveling for work, what if he couldn't get home with the car in time for me to take it? When the kids are too young to be left home alone, a lot of possibilities are taken off the table. Therefore, no school for me (right now), and no physical therapy assistant certification. I will have to come back to this plan in a few years and re-assess whether I still want to do it. In my experience, a couple of years is long enough for me to change my mind. I could be on a totally different path by then.
So for now, instead, I'm going to look for part time work nearby. Something I can walk to and hopefully work while the kids are in school. My goal in January is to start applying to places around town.
I'm both excited and nervous about the prospect of working, even a small part time job. It has been a long time. What am I going to put on my work experience list? Does Cracker Barrel even still have me on record as an employee? Ha! It makes me laugh but it also makes me feel pretty self conscious.
When I had S I stopped going to school. It really didn't cross my mind to try to keep going. I wanted to stay home and take care of my baby and so I did. In my 10 years of staying home with the boys, it didn't bother me that I didn't have my degree. After all, nobody on the playground needs to know whether you graduated college or not. Now that I would like to make some money and make things a bit easier for our little family, I find myself wondering if I made the best decision way back then. Going back to school now seems impossible, and my earning potential without a degree is very limited, so I am in a frustrating position. I don't feel very empowered to help my family. I am going to do what I have to do, and maybe finishing my degree will come later. That remains to be seen. But I'm dealing with some feelings of regret and guilt and embarrassment that haven't surfaced for the past 10 years.... and I'm understanding the advantage of a college degree coming right after high school. Get it taken care of when you're young and energetic and not mired down by all the responsibility and exhaustion of parenting. It makes a lot of sense.
I already feel like my days are full, and everyday I have leftover to-do's that I just couldn't get done. I'm anxious about how working part-time outside of the house will affect my never-ending list of chores and ambitions. I hope I can find time to keep up with stuff around the house and also to keep making things. I have a friend who works part time at the Gap after having stayed home for several years. She insists that the demand on my time will actually make me more efficient. We shall see! Wish me luck as I put myself out there. It feels pretty weird.
Thanks for sticking with me as I figure this stuff out. Next post will have pictures of pretty things I've made! Promise.