Thursday, April 18, 2013

when i grow up

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I have been so frustrated in my parenting this year, and having such a hard time with the kids, is because I am frustrated with myself and where I "am" in regards to myself and my life and my "career."  Or where I am not.

Okay, so I had kids super young.  I love them and wouldn't change how my life has unfolded.  But I see other creative women (on the internet, not necessarily in person) who are around my age and seem to have accomplished so much already.  They have a huge internet presence or a million projects under their belts or are always doing well received collaborations with other creative people.  And I feel a sort of panic, like, what have I been doing all this time?  Do I need to try to catch up to these people somehow?  What do I even want to do????

Seeing these creative people forging their own paths makes me feel like I should be able to do it too.  The problem is, I don't know exactly what IT is.  I have a sense that if I hustle like crazy, I should be able to do what I want.  But putting my finger on what I want is tricky.  I think I might want too many things.  I am having trouble narrowing it down.  Is it a problem to have too many dreams and ambitions?  I'm not sure.  I think it might be, if it stops you from moving forward because you are paralyzed by indecision.

There are several options I see for my life going forward.

I can decide to be a hobbyist.  I can be the aunt, mom, and friend who gives handmade gifts that will hopefully be loved and treasured by their recipients.  I can focus on my responsibilities at home and as a volunteer at the boys' school, and work on my crafts in my spare time.  I can make things for my own pleasure and the enjoyment of my loved ones.

I can try to make a "career" of making stuff.  This could go in a couple of directions.  I could focus on etsy, and making "products" that I could produce en masse, as efficiently as possible.  Or I could focus on making one of a kind art, possibly even trying to get my art into gallery shows.  Of course these things aren't mutually exclusive but it's hard to imagine having time for both.

Another bee in my bonnet is to open a quilt shop here in town.  I know, that probably seems out of left field.   I am surprised at how few quilt shops there are in the area.  It could just be that I don't have a car at my disposal all the time that makes them all seem so far away.  The business end would be a challenge for me, a huge learning curve and a ton of work.  But I think it could be a really fun way to spend my days.  I would get to interact with creative people which would be wonderful but I probably wouldn't have a lot of time to work on my own projects.  I don't know, it's something I'm kicking around.  If I decide to move forward with it, believe me, you'll hear about it.  :)

I don't know.  I have a lot of ideas I am kicking around, but not a lot of time.  I could use more time to think about what I really want.  I could use more time to make things.  I'm trying to realize that I do have time, in terms of years, not hours in the day, to think and to do..... I don't have to feel pressured just because I might be getting a late start. 

I'm still very aware that it's a distinct privilege to have this much choice in the matter.  Nate does an amazing job of supporting us financially, and additionally he is always encouraging and supportive of my ideas and/or enterprises.  So I'm a lucky gal.  I have a lot of creativity, a lot of ideas and maybe even some talent.  I have the love and support of my family and friends.  I just can't make up my mind about what I want to do.  I'm feeling a little stuck, I guess, like I'm spinning my wheels.  I know these posts are probably boring to the point of tears for my readers.  It helps me, though, to sort through my thoughts in this way.  I'm hoping a path will be come clear to me in the next couple of years.  And I'll definitely let you know if I figure it out.

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