I am worn out. The last few week have been going at cheetah speed, it seems. That's a phrase I invented for S, to encourage him to hurry up and get ready for school. "Use your cheetah speed to get dressed! Right now!!" I love the kid but is he ever sloooooooow in the mornings.
Every where I look in this house I see dirt and piles. Every surface I touch feels grimy. I feel like I'm doing a decent amount of daily housework, but I just cannot keep up.
I want to paint the whole house. I want to re-upholster flea market chairs and paint thrifted side tables. I want to sew curtains and make my house worthy of a Design*Sponge sneak peek.
I want to stitch a hundred awesome embroideries. I want to learn to sew. I want to make more magnets and put them up on etsy. I want to make more handmade gifts throughout the year instead of always shopping at Target.
I want to plant a garden and learn to can or freeze my excess produce. I want to plant some fruit trees and make my yard look amazing. I want to cook the healthiest meals this side of an Indian ashram.
I want to sleep for nine hours every night and two every afternoon.
I wish I was better at accomplishing some of these things when my boys are around, or better yet, at including them in the activity. My typical move is to wait until the boys are asleep, when I happen to be very tired and unmotivated, or to try to hand them off to someone else so I can work on whatever project.
I can't help but wonder if all these things I think I need to do are really ways to distract myself from my most important and never ending task. Laundry. Just kidding!! Parenting. Mothering. I find that to feel I am doing well at this monumental job requires my utmost focus. Maintaining that focus is exhausting, and I am dissatisfied with my level of endurance.
I have a fear that someday, when I have more time to myself, be it 5, 10, or 20 years from now, I won't have any interest in these pursuits that seem so important to me now. What if my boys leave for college and then my energy for creative projects just dries up? Then I'll know for sure that all this flurry of activity is truly just a distraction from the One Big Project that I cannot commit to wholly: growing into an ever more gentle, loving, peaceful mother for my sons.
I know that somewhere within motherhood there must be a balance, of them and me, of pleasure and purpose, of mundane work and creative fulfillment. To say that I am trying to find that balance is a stretch. It's more like I'm aware of the idea of balance but don't have time to climb off the hamster wheel long enough to type it into google and find the expertly-written articles that will surely make me a better woman.
Meanwhile, I feel the cheetah speed of life. I feel the days and weeks slipping by. I can't decide whether I want more desperately to connect or to escape. Did I mention I am tired? Maybe an early bedtime tonight, right after 30 Rock.