Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Mountains of Candy

It was a perfect night for trick-or-treating, though we weren't out long. Lucky for me, S got tired quickly, opting to return to Grandma's and pass out candy to the "treaters."
I have consumed far too much sugar today, and really for the past few weeks I have been struggling to control my eating. I'm a Weight Watchers drop-out now, and I am not proud. But something snapped inside me, and I just can't seem to stick to the program. I'm too embarrassed to go back there and reveal that in the last month I've gained back all the weight I lost since I first started attending meetings.
I ordered some books about sugar addiction... I don't know if I'm a sugar addict. I only know that if I am in the same room or building as junk food, I am driven to eat it, against my better judgement. I'm hoping something in these books will scare me straight, will convince me to take better care of my health. Something needs to change in my mind, because I'm starting to realize that my magic pill is never going to arrive. I fantasize all the time about a simple cure for my food sickness... somehow we will be able to afford a treadmill, a personal trainer, nutritionist, or some hypnosis sessions, and my excess pounds will melt away, never to return. It pains me to think I might actually have to WORK HARD to lose this weight, that I will just have to decide to do it and do it. At this point, self control is akin to unicorns and goblins --- utterly mythical, a dream of childhood. But I've got to find a way to make it real.
Tonight, the scariest thing I can imagine is ending up with diabetes because I couldn't keep my hand out of my kid's candy bag.
On that very un-festive note, I wish you a happy Halloween. Hope you had fun, and didn't get a tummy ache.

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